Danas je dvadeset i prvi dan mjeseca veljače. Došla sam doma malo, da moji vide da sam živa i da se najedem mamine hrane, klasika za studente. Kako sam ja odlazila doma, tako je i dragi otišao doma. Više od tjedan dana smo proveli zajedno i mogu reći da sam se tek sad, nakon čitave zbrke oko ispita i seljenja (da, ponovno sam selila u novi stan) našla vremena da se i nasmijem, iskreno i od srca, nakon nekoliko tjedana lažnog smješkanja. Valjda je to bilo jedno od onih razoblja kad su nam svi krivi za sve i kad smo sami sebi krivi za sve, kad se ništa se ne čini da je onako kako bi trebalo biti. Ali dobro, preživjela sam.
Ipak, osjećam nekakvu unutarnju pasivnost već neko vrijeme. Ne znam kako to definirati, možda nekakva potreba da se okupiram nekim novim stvarima i zainteresiram samu sebe i natjeram da se posvetim stvarima kojima se dosad ili nisam mogla baviti ili nisam imala vremena (ima se vremena uvijek ako se ima i VOLJE). Pokušavam se natjerat na nešto a nisam ni sama sigurna na što. Dajem vam materijala da zaključite da sam nekakav psihopat ali nisam, kad vam kažem, samo imam potrebu "unijet" se u nešto.
Uistinu rijetko pišem u zadnje vrijeme, pa zaključujem da je moja potreba za pisanjem bloga "ishlapila" nakon 6 godina bloganja. Da, 6 dugih godina, tko bi rekao. Usprkos tome, nemam osjećaj da vrijeme leti, ali ni da sporo prolazi. Trenutno mi se čini da sve ide onakvim tempom kakvim bi i trebalo ići. Nadam se da ste mi vi svi dobro i da bar još neki tu i tamo napišu koji postić.
Što sad radim ovdje? Zašto nisam negdje drugdje? Čekam a znam da ga danas neću dočekati. Mrzim kilometre i mrzim novce bez kojih se ništa ne može. Ok, ima stvari koje se mogu i bez novca, ali daljina, daljina ubija.
A ja samo želim da je ovdje i da ga mogu zagrliti kad god to poželim, da se možemo svađati i miriti i šetati zajedno...ne moramo čak ni razgovarati. Samo da ga čujem kako diše kraj mene. Ali nema se novca, ne može doći do mene,a ja moram čekat još MJESEC dana da bih mogla k njemu. Nije fer al što nam preostaje nego čekati, čekati, trpiti, zube stisnuti i pretrpiti daljinu, pretrpiti vrijeme i novac i ljude koji su nemilosrdni i pokvareni i zabadaju nos gdje ne treba.
Život je smiješan, život je tragičan, život je nepredvidiv, život je...
U biti, život je život.
I'm a million miles from you
But if we hold on
Gotta hold on
I'm a million miles from you
But if we stay strong
I know we'll make it through
Još uvijek čujem tvoje meke korake
teške uzdahe po noći
i čujem riječi što ih šapćeš
u strahu da nas ne probudiš
kad sa prvim zrakama sunca
ti ustaješ, više iz navike
nego iz potrebe neke
I sve mi dođe da se probudim
prije nego što kavu skuhaš
i da sjednem kraj tebe
u ljetno prohladno jutro
i da mi pričaš opet, o svemu
Jer volim kad mi pričaš o svemu
Tvoje riječi imaju posebnu dubinu
i što god da mi kažeš,sve ostaje
zapečaćeno i dugotrajno ucrtano
u meni i mojim mislima.
I kad me pitaju da im pričam
kako da im kažem da si bila
kad ti još uvijek jesi?
Kad te osjećam u svemu što radim
kroz sve što jesam, što mene čini?
I kako da nekom kažem da te više nema
kad ti još uvijek jesi
I dok sjedim na našem mjestu
dok razmišljam o pričama našim
ja znam da si još uvijek tu
Jer ne osjećam se usamljeno
jer ne možeš mi falit kad si tu
I opet onaj isti ptičji pjev se čuje
Ti sjediš kraj mene i smiješ se
Govoriš mi da nećeš moći bez mene
kad dođe vrijeme za fakultet
Da ti je bolje umrijet
a ja ti govorim da ću uvijek biti tu
Da nema smisla razmišljati o tome
Jer me ti ne možeš napustiti
ja bez tebe ne vidim smisao
i trebam te u budućnosti svojoj
da se smiješ i plačeš sa mnom
iako znam, da ti je život
dovoljno tuge i žalosti donio
ali i sreće i radosti
Bilo ti je teško, al se ti i dalje smiješ
smiješ se više od ikoga, jače od ikoga
isijava sunce iz tebe i činiš me sretnom
I kad pričam o tebi,
kako da im kažem da si bila
kad ti još uvjiek jesi
moje sunce što se smiješi
moja vjera u život i u sutra
moja snaga što me drži i tjera
da nastavim, da ne posustanem
Stoga, kad mi kažu da pričam o tebi
ja im pričam kao da si još uvijek živa
jer živi tvoj duh u meni
i živjet će dok god mene bude
a kad me više ne bude
tad ćemo opet sjesti zajedno
na ono isto naše mjesto
u prohladno ljetno jutro
ti ćeš piti kavu i pričat ćemo opet
o svemu.
Poimam i shvaćam nevidljivu logiku svih događaja u čovjekovu životu. Ne riječima i ne mislima samo, nego svom dubinom cijelog bića svog osjećam divnu, neumoljivu ravnotežu koja vlada u svim našim odnosima.
Ima neznana formula koja odeđuje odnos između radosti i bola u našem životu. Stradanje i grijeh se upotpunjuju kao kalup i nijegov odlijevak.
Život nam vraća samo ono što mi drugima dajemo.
Ivo Andrić
PJESNICI
Pjesnici su čuđenje u svijetu
Oni idu zemljom i njihove oči
velike i nijeme rastu pored stvari
Naslonivši uho
na ćutanje što ih okružuje i muči
pjesnici su vječno treptanje u svijetu
A.B.Šimić
Ove su riječi crne od dubine,
ove su pjesme zrele i bez buke,
— One su, tako, šiknule iz tmine,
i sada streme ko pružene ruke.
Nisam li pjesnik, ja sam barem patnik
i katkad su mi drage moje rane.
Jer svaki jecaj postati će zlatnik,
a moje suze dati će đerdane.
— No one samo imati će cijenu,
ako ih jednom, u perli i zlatu,
kolajnu vidim slavno obješenu,
ljubljeno dijete, baš o tvome vratu.
Tin Ujević
" Vidjeti svijet u zrnu pijeska
I raj u divljem cvijetu
Držati beskraj u dlanu ruke
i vječnost u jednom satu."
William Blake
There is a hole in my chest
where my heart used to be
If you're looking for emptiness,
I'm what you need
Colder and darker and worse
Sometimes life's just a curse
They try kicking and screaming
Contation break us apart
In life..... will hold you down
I'm sorry, that's my knife in you!
Another day you fall and I get away
Pushing and screaming cause
They found
Hey
Take my hand and fly
Will you ever be that tall
Don't you be afraid
We're not gonna fall
Did you think
I'd let you mix it up
Give me a reason bitch
You're gonna fuck it up
Hey
Take my hand and fly
Will you ever be that tall
Don't you be afraid
We're not gonna fall
Hey
Do you believe in what we've got
Try it, one shot
We stand once and for all
We're not gonna fall
[Solo]
Well you thought you had the authority
To slay and kill the minority
Together we stand tall
Not gonna crash, not gonna fall
Did you think I'd let you mix it up
Give me a reason bitch
We're gonna fuck you up
It's real, into the charge
At the end we're standing up
COF-The Byronic Man
As lonely as a poet on the wall of Jericho
Or the moon without the comfort of the stars
I am loathe to know it that a man without a soul
Is nothing but a split canopic jar
I proved it, improved it
Drove a sonnet right through it
And in this state of bliss
Evil kissed with wet lips
Pen-filled fingertips
Which drew me, for through me
Illuminati usually pissed
But with words of some hurts worth
I threw a party that extended God’s list
Exciting new flames that my fame would claim for me
Reciting back the almanac of travesties
They call me bad
Mad Caliban with manner
Dangerous to know
A passing fad
Taught in all debauch
In excess and in canto
Grown wild this child
Whole harems defiled
Faustina’s and Mina’s
Lady Libertine and her sisters between her
What spread of lies arise when lovers die
Which circle of hell is mine when I arrive?
They call me bad
Mad Caliban with manners
Dangerous to know
A passing fad
Taught in all debauch
Crow against the virgin snow
Grown colder, my shoulder
Like a boulder beside her
And bolder, not wiser
My dark seed took up root inside he
That mouldered, where older
Beddings would hold a passionate sigh
But laudanum and soda
Lord Numb coda
Merited a forest of inherited spite
Fleeing grief for foreign maps
I still played vampire aristocrat
Unloading my gun in hot, promiscuous laps
Then shooting swans in a gondola
I tripped my foot on a fallen star
And there’s nothing like a mouthful of Venetian tar
To let you know just who you fucking are
[Ville:]
The patron saint of heartache
You can't see my world is falling
The world is falling down
The patron saint of heartache
Can't see the world is falling
My world is falling down
[Dani and Ville:]
Ever after, can they hear my laughter?
The patron saint of heartache
Never craft a better bed of disaster...
The patron saint of heartache
They call me bad
Made Caliban with manners
Dangerous to know
A passing fad
Taught in all debauch
In excess and in canto
They call me bad
Mad Caliban with manners
Dangerous to know
A passing fad
Whereupon I tell them
To go fuck their mothers
As so...
On my grave
2. What Have You Done?
[feat. Keith Caputo]
[Album Version]
Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love
What have you done now?!
I know I’d better stop trying
You know that there’s no denying
I won’t show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there’s no retrieving
It’s over now, what have you done?
What have you done now?!
I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
'cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don’t feel
It’s over now
What have you done?
What have you done now?!
I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done now, what have you done?...
I will not fall, won’t let it go
We will be free when it ends
I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you
I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer
There’s a curse between us, between me and you
Woah yeow
They try kicking and screaming
Contation break us apart
In life..... will hold you down
I'm sorry, that's my knife in you!
Another day you fall and I get away
Pushing and screaming cause
They found
Hey
Take my hand and fly
Will you ever be that tall
Don't you be afraid
We're not gonna fall
Did you think
I'd let you mix it up
Give me a reason bitch
You're gonna fuck it up
Hey
Take my hand and fly
Will you ever be that tall
Don't you be afraid
We're not gonna fall
Hey
Do you believe in what we've got
Try it, one shot
We stand once and for all
We're not gonna fall
[Solo]
Well you thought you had the authority
To slay and kill the minority
Together we stand tall
Not gonna crash, not gonna fall
Did you think I'd let you mix it up
Give me a reason bitch
We're gonna fuck you up
It's real, into the charge
